Currently, it's 10:25 pm in North Truro, Massachusetts, and I am one thought-filled, grateful, wonderstruck, and present Elyssa.
For reference on my location, every year my 'family' (me, my mom, LC and her family, and other family friends) all gather together at a beach house for one week-- Saturday to Saturday.
Yes, we all live in Rhode Island, the 'ocean state' and practically spend our whole summers at the beach anyways, but the spread out summer never compares to the week long adventures of carefree living all together under one roof. Living all together 24/7 definitely has its challenges, especially when combined we house every political party, non-political party, opinion, sexuality (me, that's me, I personally make up for anything other than hetero), personality type (I'm a campaigner and my mom is a consul), morning people / night owls / both, ages, food restrictions and allergies, and the list goes on. However, every year we continue to somehow, just somehow make it work.
This year, we decided to leave little Rhodey (wooahhh), crossed 3 hours over the state border (yes, don't worry, we all tested negative this week for COVID before our grand departure), and ventured over to the Cape for a week.
Originally, I started this blog post by diving right into the night's events and realizations. However, just now I briefly took a moment to scroll up through my photos from today, and decided that this post deserves to begin from its truest beginning—last night— because today, well, today has just been a day.
This is the first photo in my camera roll from today, and I'm just going to drop this here.
This photo was taken after my mom shut the car's trunk door on my head this morning while packing the car, which, could have been prevented if I got my shit together and packed last night. However... my shit was definitely not together. It was totally, completely, and very literally in fact not together.
My original plan yesterday was to come home from work and finish packing, but, hah, that plan was sharply interrupted the moment I decided to have dairy at work, and had to pass off my shift to somebody else so I could go home and shit everything internal, out. Like I said, my shit was definitely not together.
...TMI? No such thing.
Also, I'm going to take this moment to put it out there and mention that yes, I am still very much allergic to roses. Last night, by the time my body allowed me to finally get up and figuratively get my shit together, I decided that my first action should be to shower, because typically, showers are game-changing. A little rejuvenation goes a long way, and it was something I hoped would ultimately speed the packing process up.
After the shower, I was so excited to try out this new facial toner I bought the other day at Trader Joe's, and went a little spray crazy... my next big mistake of the night. Clearly, I have selective reading as I do listening, and misread "rose" for "rose hip," which are very different and have very different effects on my body.
This probably takes us to about 11 pm now, which was around the time I rediscovered that yes, I am very much indeed still allergic to roses. Very much indeed. The swelling was instantaneous, as were the tingles. TIGNLY SENSATION!
This is also about the time when I gave up the thought that the packing was going to happen last night, and instead popped some tylenol, set my alarm and went to bed. It's also when I decided that it's time to start listening again to my body, feed it foods that it is able to process and digest, and stop compromising myself and allergies. This is also why our neighbors heard me scream "OUW" when I dropped to the ground when the trunk door found my head... like I said, this allllll could have been prevented if I just found some self control and refused the gosh darn dairy. But, moving on.
Okay, now I think it's time to skip back ahead. Nothing significant really happened during the day that I feel like noting here, other than driving 3 hours to the Cape, stopping halfway at The Flying Bridge Seafood— a waterfront seafood restaurant— for lunch in Falmouth (FYI: very fabulous and very delicious), and stopping at a liquor store (the one thing I was responsible to buy this week besides my own veggie food was margarita mix, and what did I forget? you guessed it. the margarita mix) where I invested in my first shaker. Exciting!
In a later post, I will further explain the depths of this bar, along with the drinking games we play throughout the week. Remember how I briefly mentioned we are all very different, with different personalities and opinions? Well, sometimes we clash, and those times that we do, we make drinking games out of them, with daily prompts... another post for another day.
Every year we spend our nights down here outside under the stars; drinking, smoking cigars, trying some gummies (we're in Massachusetts so I can legally write this), conversing, joking on each other and laughing, before taking the night indoors for a game of choice. Tonight, I opted out of the games and instead planted my bug-bitten bootay on this couch (with my mom now sleeping on my lap), to write this next portion of the post. Staring up into the night tonight left me wonderstruck, and with so many little threads of thought.
Stars have always reminded me of people. How, there are so many people surrounding our life. One day they appear, maybe stay for awhile, and then they carry on again on their own way. How, until we form a connection with them, they are strangers to us. They are always there, whether we notice them or not. How, they're also not there whether we notice them or not because perception is subjective, and each star has its own path and journey.
When I was younger, my mom always used to hold me and point out the North Star. She tried explaining to me how we're all sort of united under it, and that no matter where we physically are in the world, it is something we can all look up and see; it's one of the universe's constant promises for us. I never really understood what she meant by that, at least not until tonight when I looked up into the night sky and saw my past, my present and future among the stars.
In London, whenever we would go up onto our roof, where we would sing until the dusk faded and into night, we would point to stars and determine amongst ourselves what planet it might be, as it was too bright to be an ordinary star. Sometimes, after several weeks would pass between roof dates, this conversation turned into deciding whether it was the same star / planet, or whether it was another one that shifted into its place. To see that star, we had to look out, but if we looked up, no matter the month, week, night or day, we were always always always located directly under the big dipper constellation.
I continuously processed this reminder as simply knowing that we were sat under the big dipper constellation in the sky, but it never had any other sort of significant meaning... until I left, almost two months passed by, and until I noticed the very same constellation in the sky, 3,266 miles away from where I saw it last. Tonight the big dipper was located up above and to my left. It was in this moment that I suddenly understood what my mom had been trying to explain to me all along.
This time around, I didn't just see the big dipper; I saw London. I knew that under that those stars to my left, was our little lovely Malden Crescent house, near little lovely Chalk Farm station, in the not so little but extremely lively & lovely London. Before seeing the dipper, I had noticed a significantly bright star to my right, and once I connected myself to the dipper, I realized that the star was the same one that we used to sit on our little rooftop in London and wonder what planet it might be.
Never before have I been one to comprehend directions really well. Physically, yes, all it only takes is being somewhere once to know exactly where I am and how to navigate myself afterwards, but cardinally, no. But tonight, I knew exactly where I was (literally, not figuratively); Europe is due EAST, land-America is due WEST, and that star pointed me NORTH.
Looking back up at the sky, I felt myself in relation to the world. I knew where to look to find the stars my friends were somewhere under. I knew where to look to find the stars that were lighting up the sky over the place I dream to be next. I noticed the stars I lay under under here with my root people. I felt this intense connection to the sky, while also feeling completely lost.
Several times, shooting stars passed us by up in the sky. Some were quick flashes, while some we could follow for a few moments until they disappeared among the rest of the still, shining stars. At some point, someone told us to wish, but I realized I couldn't. I'm at this strange place in life where I'm someplace I once wished to be, and now don't know what's next. I know I can't wish for any one person or group of people, because right now we're all on different journeys for ourselves. This time has also been useful for practicing good habits for myself, ones which bring joy and satisfaction without relying on others.
Looking up at the stars suddenly brought to mind my own map of human lights in my life, and I flashed back through people who have come in and faded out. I thought back to them, and about the times at which we entered each others' lives and the significance and impact we each had on each other.
People pass through life at such precious moments in time, for always uncertain amounts of time until later certain. Even then, the time can always be resumed, and paths can cross again.
Some people in our lives, like stars in the sky, have stronger lights and greater influences depending on the time the enter, and the purpose they served. Some, on the other hand, their purpose is irrelevant, but their ever constant presence is what we know. Those are our root people, those are the ones who, though endless time can pass by without physically seeing each other, we know where they are always, and that they will always be there. We are also that star for them. Some, we may be that star without knowing it. Sometimes, too, we are a stronger light than we know ourselves to be.
Personally, I feel fortunate to know my lights. I feel fortunate to know I have also been a light before for someone; oh what an illuminating feeling. I feel fortunate to know whose light, when close to me, only adds strength to mine and together, our lights become one aura; a rather radiant, unbreakable one.
Some people call it love.
Soo, I don't know about you, but I plan on living until I'm 103 years old, in order to be the woman of three centuries, of course. Right now, at the mere age of 22 (and a half, if you counts halves), I have absolutely no idea where I'm heading next. I do not know who is going to come in and out of my life, nor whose lives I am going to ever so graciously flow in and out of. Looking to the future, not knowing who will come in and out next scares me. However, I do trust in everyone who is apart of my life now, and who has been a part of molding me into who I am today. To be utterly honest, I'm not yet ready to move on from the people who lived with me under that great big dipper.
I think I'm holding on...
In the last two months, I've turned down a couple of dates, and have avoided getting to know new people on a deeper level than I could. I have though, taken this opportunity to rebuild and strengthen the friendships I have here at home, which has been so extremely heartwarming and reassuring.
Looking up at the shooting stars last night, I didn't wish for any one person, place or thing, nor did I wish to be anywhere I wasn't, with anyone I wasn't already with.
I wished, though, to remember. I wished to be filled with gratitude, and to be open to this transition time.
I wished to trust.
I remembered the people I used to live with under the that great big dipper; they're some of my favourites ever. I remembered the times I dreamed to be where I am today, figuratively. I remembered where I was last year at this time, literally, and the thoughts and fears that flooded my mind then when I looked up into the stars. I remembered how much can change in one year's time.
I remembered to be curious, and I remembered to be brave. Above all, though, I remembered to be kind, and that with genuine kindness comes strength.
Lastly, I remembered a list, which has been tacked above my bedpost since I wrote it, that I made in January as a visual, tangible, objectified reminder of what my heart desired at that point in time. It reads,
Tonight, I looked up at the sky and trusted that with time I will understand what that list means, as I have come to grasp that it is not very literal, but really quite metaphorical. 8 months into 2020, and I've found the AUS, the PERSPECTIVE, and the PASSION. COLOR is only now beginning to reveal itself slowly, but as for PARIS... I have no idea yet what that could mean, and what I need to find.
Lastly, I remembered that everything is temporary, and that's a good thing! We have choices, especially in choosing whose lights we let shine brightest. We are all just bodies inhabiting this wild, wild earth, which is a part of a much larger universe. Sometimes, we can remember that and learn to take life a little less seriously.
Sunday, 14th June 2020.
Let me begin with stating that I may still be a little tipsy right now writing this, so if anything is overly sentimental— well, now you know why. I woke up about an hour ago, but only went to bed maybe 4 hours ago, so, well, here we go with this blog story.
Last night was a good one. I’m too much of an over-thinker to ever use the word ‘perfect’ (if you know me, then you know I neither believe in perfect nor ever try to strive for it), but, in a way it was, and I woke up an hour ago with a full heart, a full belly from that Full Veggie English that my fabulous sous-chef and I cheffed' up at 5 AM for everybody post-Primrose (as promised), and in total grief.
I’ve been telling myself and everyone around me who asks, that “I’m saving the feelings for the plane,” but I woke up this morning with lots of them. Too many for myself to handle. I think the moment the feelings started to trickle in for the first time was when I sat down next to SpicyFriend at the top of the hill to take in the moment that was: the sun slowly rising from behind the trees, glistening over the city landscape; above our dancing friends in the field below. These are my people, and I’m so sad to leave them.
Friday night, over a cup of midnight tea in the kitchen— where all of our best chats happen-- Dandylion shared with me a german phrase in response to my shared thoughts. The phrase has no direct English translation, yet is still so very beautiful. Man sell gene went es am schönsten ist, which means leaving when things are good; leaving with nothing but fond memories. This is definitely not to say that London hasn't presented me with many challenges these last three years, because oh believe me it has, but all ones I've been able to grow through with support from the most loving humans. I am leaving, with so much love for London, its people, and my time here. My case here is strengthened by the fact that I am saying all of this, despite living my last few months in London, having spent our last two UG performance-based terms online x global pandemic x revolution. That's how much I love this little London life I have here— it is a love that withstands times of change. That's why I have so much trust in 'my great return' one day, and that's how I know that these people are forever; that this time will have a forever place in all of our hearts as it does mine.
Anyways, back to last night.
Last night was like a dream. Maybe that’s because I recall it both in pieces and in phases, which is probably due to how unexplainable everything was but oh-how-right everything felt to do in the moment. For one very prime example, I hatched Madam Bowie while doing an Ostrich dance (sometime before or after our Swan Lake debut).
Last night we lived from the heart with no explantations. E.g. hah, try to explain this one:
In the weeks leading up to this time, our house has been playing “divorced parents,” and early-on invited our friend Dandylion to stay over for the weekends, as he is otherwise quarantined alone. Throughout this time in quarantine, we've separated our weekends from the weeks by planning them out with themed dinners and whatnot. So, we wanted one last night of playing dress-up, doing our makeup all fancy, and slaying the night away. This weekend though, the only theme we came up with was to be present with each other, and to live our best lives; it was to be a culmination of everything we had learned from our time in quarantine, while also making one last memory.
So naturally, we started the night with some glam.
And also very naturally, we started the night with games while we waited for our quite fashionably-late friends to join.
Sidenote: they were indeed very fashionable, and all of our jaws dropped upon first-sight, at the new LOOKS they were serving as they strutted through that famously red door.
Waiting for our friends, we started with one of our household favourites.
However, once our v. fashionable friends made it to the party, we stepped the games up a notch. Before, when it was just me, Lady A, Dandylion and Madam Bowie, the 'competitives' were overpopulated by the 'playing-for-funsies.' HOWEVER, once miss SpicyFriend and J. Fada Mística do Sol (let's go with J.Fada for short) arrived, the COMPETITIVES TOOK THE HOUSE! A couple of rounds of "Most Likely To" and Charades later, and the heat was on!
By the way, it's always so interesting to see what your friends— who lived through a quarantine with you and know you best— think you are the most or least "likely to." Apparently, I'm the most likely to leave my wallet in a store, marry somebody my family disapproves of, not share my opinion, be / marry a stripper, and catch feelings after a one-night stand.
BUT, the game that REALLY did us all in (of course after taking a post-charades toast&jam, coffee and water break), was "Ring of Fire," and OH HOT DAMN! What a game... you know, still I don't really remember what card number and symbol signified exactly what action, however, I do remember drinking... a lot... because somehow— just somehow— every single time that those cards told SpicyFriend to drink, we all had to drink. And every time that Madam Bowie had to drink, Spicy had to drink, so therefore we all, once again, had. to. drink. Like I said, what a game...
Ring of Fire was the game that transitioned us from dusk to dawn, and kept us laughing and wide-eyed until it was time to finally go catch that sunrise. A little bit of background: it has been my dream to watch the sunrise over London, for almost three years now. This weekend, we very much brought that dream to life. Often, when we're living a dream-come-true, it never really feels like a dream until reflecting back and realizing we just lived something that maybe we once dreamed. However this one very much did feel like a dream, and it has place in my heart like one does.
With Midsummer approaching soon, the sunrise was scheduled for around 3:30 AM, so that's when we set out. Whoever is reading this, I don't know if you've ever set out on foot at 3 o'clock in the morning, but oh what a feeling it is to strut through the streets on a Saturday night (Sunday morning), of a deserted cityscape. We were in the movies; we made up the musicals. The stereo was our chorus, and we were Gene Kelly in 'Singing' in the Rain,' tapping singing and dancing our way to the park.
Once, to our surprise, we realized that the park was actually open, we found a nice little perch atop the Hill and made ourselves comfy. The sun hadn't begun rising just yet, but we had ourselves, and a heartfelt playlist to keep us entertained.
It really wasn't until after we all woke up this morning and began piecing together the night with all of our individual perceptions and conversations / happenings, until we remembered how we went from sitting and chatting, to slipping and sliding down Primrose hill at dawn. *Correction* it wasn't until we played back the audio, of which Madam Bowie had recorded for a choreographic project, until we remembered what had got us up in the first place... it was THE SONG.
Leading up to mine and Lady A's departure from London, us three Malden Crescent sisters had been choreographing for a film. It was set to a song that still takes me back to them every time I hear it. Hearing it on this Hill, and being pulled up by it's very first strum... it was one of the first times I ever truly felt moved by the music, and swept away.
Music is what swept us up and into the night. We danced, for I don't know how many hours. The hill was still dewy from the night, so once the first beat dropped and we started running... we started to slide. We rolled down the wet hill. We ran after our friends rolling down the hill, to scoop them up at the bottom. We lifted each other up. We also dropped each other, tripped over each other, and ran into each other (too many times to count). We climbed trees. We listened to a guitarist who sat among us on the hill. We jumped, we ran, we sang and we danced. We sat, both alone and together. And we watched as the sun rose above the city; as it rose above the trees below, the trees close by.
We watched as it rose above us dancing.
Like I said sometime above, last night we lived from the heart... has that ever happened to you? You know the feeling I'm talking about, I know you do. The one that makes you spread your arms to match the bird, and chase and seagull on the beach until it takes flight. The lamppost you pass that, out of nowhere, turns you into Gene Kelly. Sometimes in life, there's absolutely no rhyme or reason for how a moment plays out. Yet, it also makes sense. These people are the ones who inspire me immensely. Their overall being inspires me. I feel connected to them, through all of the love, support and utter acceptance we have for each other. Seeing them happy naturally makes me happy. And, seeing them dance, naturally invites me to do the same.
All of my stories are non-fiction, as well as the people in them. However, I have given each and every one a stage name with careful thought and detail, because all of the people in my stories are just that fabulous.